When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
