wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
