if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
