i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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