Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
