dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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