my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
