Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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