i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
if i died would you start the facebook group?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
