is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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