STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
we're making bets on your personal life
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
