I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
