right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
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I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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