the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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