I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you win again, gameday.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
