Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Sober January is a disaster.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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