I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
