Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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