his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
