i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
