you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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