The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
