My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
