i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
