I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
