ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
