mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
