i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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