the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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