Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
