I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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