I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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