Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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