Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
