yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
