I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
