I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
