You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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