Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
