I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
