I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
