its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It was like giving head to a cactus.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
