ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
