Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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