She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
