she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
it's great music for shaving your balls
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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