If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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