nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
