I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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