His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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