so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
