fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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