I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
