I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
