Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
