So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
