I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
