Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
